Synopsis for
"I Love Money"
A Very 'Short Trip' (2008)

Exactly how desperate can people be? Is it possible to further plumb the depths of the puddle-shallow souls so luckless at love that not even Flavor Flav, Bret Michaels or Tiffany "Man Trap" Pollard chose them as the sole survivor of a marathon mashing competition?

Thank goodness VH1 is allowing us to find out by mixing the romantic backwash...er, loveless former contestants from "Rock of Love," "Flavor of Love" and "I Love New York" into yet another spinoff.

Yes, ladies and gents, "Rock of Love's" Heather, "Flavor of Love's" Hoopz, Whiteboy from "I Love New York" and the rest of the rejects from these Islands of Misfit Fantasies might not have found love, but VH1's giving them another chance to win. And this time, the prize comes without the risk of any gifts that keep on giving: $250,000!!!

The setting: Huatulco, Mexico.

The host: Craig J. Jackson.

The clips promise idiots beating each other senseless with large jousting lances, allowing scorpions to dance on their lips, and shouting clever comebacks at one another including such classics as, "Imma gonna eatchu up and spitchu out!"

And, "Itzown!"

And the ever popular, "BLEEP BLEEP muthaBLEEP!!!!

The decline of our civilization? Well, no. Or maybe yes. Welcome to "I Love Money."

The episode opens with romantic guitar music strumming as the camera drinks in waves softly rolling up on a Mexican beach, undulating palm tree fronds, and an image in which we shall refrain from seeing too much symbolism, a crab.

A boat pulls up to the beach with all the contestants, and each gives their spiel as to why they would embark on yet another VH1 sponsored adventure. Frank Maresca, aka "The Entertainer" from "I Love New York," is there for the money, but he says if he can, as he puts it, kill two birds with one stone, and find his true love here, "that would be awesome."

Cut to "Rock of Love's" Rodeo, who assures us all that she's there to win of the money and kick of the ass, which is underscored by a classic clip of her sneaking up behind a former fellow contender for Bret Michaels' love and throwing her to the ground with an expertly executed armbar maneuver.

Another "New York" alum, Chance, tells us he has certain "stipple-lations" for as far as he intends to go to win the cash. "I not gonna eat no cow things, no deer dingles and ding dongs, or...ding dongs. I don't do that." No ding-dongs? But Hostess makes them so chocolaty delicious.

We see Pumkin spitting on New York. Midget Mac says something about mizzle for shizzle. And so it goes.

The boats arrive, and with minimal face planting in the sand and the realization that, as The Entertainer explains, the water goes up and goes down, almost everyone gets out of the boat with little problem...except for Midget Mac. You see, besides being a little person, drunk off his ass, unusually stupid, and not wearing a life jacket, Midget Mac has a fear of water from watching a relative drown when he was a kid. As everyone else looks on with a mixture of glee and half-hearted worry, Mr. Mac expresses his worry with a number of words that end in "izzle," the most expressive being, "Oh shizzle...Midget Mac's about to drizzle!"

But then the chivalrous 12 Pack steps forward and lifts Little Mac off the boat, so they can proceed to the fake villa that, according to several reports, is off the chain.

Then it's time to encounter Craig Jackson, who makes everyone comfortable by telling them they can call him CJ. CJ again informs the group of the stakes: $250,000!

"Now, over the next few weeks, you're going to be competing in physical and mental challenges"...forgive us for laughing at that part..."based on the most memorable moments of the shows you were on." Lose the challenge, and they might be eliminated. Win, and they're that much closer to the cash.

The Entertainer informs us that he really, really needs this money. "I mean, if I have to eat your heart, I'm gonna eat your heart." Sure, but what about deer dingles?

We see Toastee and Nibblz exchange pleasantries coated in sugar and venom, and Toastee informs us that she'd like to see Nibblz out of the game as soon as possible as payback for Nibblz telling Flavor Flav that she was a porn star. So Toastee forms an alliance with Sister Spit, aka Pumkin, who carries her on her back to the liquor cabinet.

"New York" alums Heat and 12 Pack are, apparently, The Party Boys Alliance. They tour the country wagging their banana hammocks at audiences and doing push-ups. Now they're howling and sharing a room again. Everybody's gotta have a dream.

Destiney and Heather from "Rock of Love" are back in action, and as Heather talks about what great friends they are, we see a classic clip of Heather challenging Destiney to do naked cartwheels on what is supposed to be Bret Michaels' lawn. They are sharing a room with Heat and 12 Pack. Heat observes that this will be the wild orgy room, and later suggests a four-way...alliance. He makes romantical moves on Destiney as well, which makes her declare, "Ahmahgawsh, Heat is so cute and he's really fun and he's really sweet, so we'll see what happens!" The Entertainer observes from afar that they have a little thing going and he hopes it works out, because if is doesn't, he says, "I'm coming for Destiney."

Then he licks his lips with all the sex appeal of Jabba the Hutt.

Elsewhere in the villa, Whiteboy, Chance and Real have formed an alliance, and one of the "Rock of Love" birds notices that there are 17 people, but only 16 beds. Math is fundamental! Hoopz explains to her that means someone is going home.

Cut to Midget Mac, who promptly got his drink on and didn't look for a bed, and Mr. Boston, who was so busy seeing the sights that he also failed to find one. Boston approaches a number of the girls and asks to share their beds, assuring Toastee that he won't do anything unless she wants to, but if she wants to, he can go all night.

Megan and Brandi C. respond by hiding the extra bed in their room behind another bed.

After a commercial break for "New York Goes to Hollywood" featuring New York looking kind of cheap, and not in the "very special wedding anniversary" way but in that "Lady, I've spent more on a loaf of day-old bread, so step away from my car" kind of way, the contestants gather in front of CJ, drinks in hand. CJ informs them that he's going to cut a check for each of them for $250,000. Brandi wiggles sensuously in her bikini as CJ asks them to be open and honest about how the money would change their lives.

Boston goes first. He says he's from Boston, but lives in L.A., then he stammers a bit before admitting he has girlfriends that live in both cities, so that would buy a lot of plane tickets to keep both girls happy and, one presumes, hope alive.

Real opines that Boston has no girlfriend, and does not need the money, and if he wins we'll see more blow-up dolls in his house than ever before. Later Boston admits that his true goal is to roll down the streets of L.A. in a Ferrari and live the life of a true pimp.

Toastee, afraid of not earning enough residuals on her alleged previous work, says that she will spend the $250K on....medical school. Specifically, to be a psychiatrist. Could she be proof that the stripper myth is no myth at all?

Pumkin says she wants a boob job, and one of peroxide blondes (Megan, we think) mumbles a sentence that ends with, "in a sock." She turns on them and the censors lay on the bleep button. CJ then mentions something about Pumkin and Boston having a fling, and she pooh poohs that, questioning his ability to maintain, ahem, control.

The Entertainer would like to use the money to move out of his parents' house and stop delivering pizzas.

Heat would use the money to help his mother, who (he says) had a botched surgery and suffers from a "disformation." Rodeo would use it to promote her products, which include a barbecue sauce, oatmeal pancakes, and a workout DVD. Heather would use it to get the "Bret" tattoo off of her neck. Hoopz says she'd use the money to help out her family. Real, similarly, says he'd give it to his grandma, a school teacher, so she can retire. Whiteboy doesn't even front -- he says the money is for him.

Chance would invest it in the music project he has with Real, known as The Stallionaires. Destiney wants to get a Corvette. 12 Pack would buy a bar somewhere. Brandi C. wants to build a Barbie dreamhouse in the hills. Nibblz, who reveals she is a dominatrix, would use the money to build a state-of-the-art dungeon in her basement. Megan wants to increase awareness of mentally impaired dogs.

But, Midget Mac, oh Midget Mac. Thanks to the magic of subtitles, the folks at home can clearly understand his longterm investment goals. "About $200,000 are goin' to my momma and my daddy, and the other fifty are going to strippers."

The resulting silence is deafening.

Taking this as a cue to defend his choice, Mac adds, "For real. Know what I'm sayin'? I'm a be real with you! That's what I'm do!" Then he put on his sunglasses and got back in line.

So, as that American sage Benjamin Franklin once said, it's on.

As CJ runs up to the first challenge, he brings out a basket filled with bikini tops and bottoms and tells everyone -- even the guys -- to put them on. Everyone grumbles, but reaches into the basket. Mr. Boston puts them on with no problem, and even stuffs the front because he freely admits to having a, uh, shortcoming.

Everyone gets into the spirit of things except for Midget Mac, who loudly refuses and tells Mr. Boston, now wagging his pale butt in front of his face, to get away from him. This gets on Hoopz's nerves. She says something to him, and he responds by referring to her, in terms unsuitable for this forum, as a woman of loose morals and implies that she's a disease carrier. Pumkin steps up to defend her buddy, and all of the women in the house, and Mac tears into her too. Other women take issue with his sexist insults, and even Whiteboy is horrified, but Mac refuses to back down, buoyed by the effects of the tall boy in his hand.

Their bikinis donned, and their respective senses of self-esteem cowering in closets in various locales around the United States, the contestants gather outside by a large box covered by a black satin cloth. CJ says they're probably wondering why they're all dressed that way, and ripping the cloth away, we see a money booth: It's a G-string tip-off! Megan is hella enthused. (Just to be clear, your recapper is using hella because it's appropriate in the context of all this stupidity, as is the usage of the non-existent term romantical.) Megan explains that this challenge mixes her two favorite things, bikinis and money grabbing. Brandi thinks she has this challenge locked down because she loves money and she's good at stuffing things.

CJ explains that they have 30 seconds to stuff as much cash as possible anywhere that they can put it, except for their mouths and their shoes. Neither can they grab it off the floor. The top two money-grubbers will be able to pick the teams and will be immune from elimination. Also, they have to wear the attire properly. (String bikinis on men. Properly. Well, OK.) Mac refuses to put on the bathing suit, so he's automatically disqualified from the competition and risks elimination, and he sure didn't do much to make any friends.

Megan goes in and is automatically DQ'ed because she picked money up from the ground. Brandi tells the camera that she wants to win and prove that she's not the stereotypical dumb blonde...and immediately follows Megan's lead, getting DQ'ed as well.

Nibblz says that the challenge is not about strength or smarts, so she hopes she can win it. She does well enough.

Boston unpacks the Kleenex from his basket, and says he felt like Bill Gates with all the money floating around. He grabs a nice amount, and as he's pulling it out, he accidentally shows off Little Boston .

CJ tells Chance that he has to remove his bandanna to participate in the challenge -- it's that "proper attire" rule coming into play -- but Chance refuses because he doesn't want America to see his hair looking anything less than laid. So he is disqualified as well.

Hoopz goes in with a strategy, scooping up gobs of bills from the ground with her feet. She stuffs the cash in every available place on her body. The crowd reels.

Destiney follows her strategy, and comes out similarly stuffed. Whiteboy does the same thing.

Once it's all over, Destiney, Hoopz and Whiteboy were the top three money-grubbers.

But in the end, the two people who came out on top were Hoopz and Whiteboy. Midget Mac responds with, "Oh, shizzle."

CJ says that later the teams would be chosen like kids select players for a dodgeball competition, but first the losers would have time to kiss up to the captains.

Brandi snuggles up to Hoopz, who tells her that she wants people with heart. Boston tries to sell himself to Whiteboy, who's having none of it until Boston points out that they're both Jewish. Hoopz tells Megan that it won't work for her to be on the same team as Pumkin, so she totters over to Whiteboy's camp wearing next to nothing and tries to seduce him with dreams of motorboating. Nibblz opts to forgo all the buttkissing and have phone sex with her "daddy."

Pumkin tells Boston that Brandi and Megan were hiding a bed, so he grabs it and decides to bunk out with them, largely to make them feel uncomfortable. Brandi calls Boston "creepy, creeptastic, creepy creepy creepy." Oh yeah. By the end of this thing, he'll be with that.

Meanwhile, Mac keeps on drinking and assures The Entertainer that he's staying even though,as The Entertainer points out, he was asked to go up to bat and refused. Why would anyone want him on their team?

Rodeo pulls Mac aside and tries to get him to apologize to Hoopz and the other women in the house because she had seen what she believed to be his true heart when he was on "I Love New York."

She gets Brandi and attempts to mediate a healing summit between the two of them, but Brandi points out that Hoopz didn't say anything wrong to him. Mac wasn't having it. He stalks off and orders a beer. No apology given.

And it's elimination time. Nibblz says she thinks Midget Mac is going home. 12 Pack also has his doubts. Brandi doesn't care, choosing to only think about her chances. CJ steps before the 17 assembled contestants, welcoming them to the first elimination and doesn't do much explaining, because it's fairly apparent how this is going to go. The captains will choose who stays and, as the host sensitively puts it, "just like the fat kid in gym class, if you don't get picked, you gotta bounce. Aight?"

Hoopz goes first and gets her check, this show's version of the clock, or the rose, or a vaccine. Whiteboy grabs his check, and it's time to get going.

Hoopz chooses Rodeo first, then 12 Pack, Entertainer, and Heather.

Whiteboy goes with Chance, the guy who didn't participate in the challenge (smart thinkin'!), Real and, Boston (for mental capabilities only, he says).

Then Whiteboy picks Heat, who at first refuses, because he wants to preserve the Party Boy alliance. But at last he gives in and joins Whiteboy's team.

Hoopz goes on to choose Toastee. Whiteboy takes Destiney. Hoopz chooses Pumkin. Whiteboy goes with Megan who babbles, "Wearing around my bikini has finally paid off. I knew he was gonna pick me!"

CJ notices it's down to three, and says it's about the get ugly. Hoopz thinks that they're all equally useless.

Brandi worries about not being chosen. "Has Whiteboy even noticed what I'm wearing? Helloooo?"

Mac slurs something about the bother of being dragged from Jacksonville all the way to "the middle-of-nowhere" Mexico for nothing through what sounds like a mouthful of seven layer bean dip.

Nibblz says she has a gut feeling that she's going home tonight.

CJ allows the remaining three to make a last ditch plea to stay in the race. Brandi says she knows she messed up and made a huge mistake, but she's a really good runner and swimmer. Whiteboy asks her to drop and give him 10 push-ups. She complies to refrain from having to say out loud that she's desperate, but as she rises, Brandi immediately sprains her ankle. She admits to the camera that she's in a lot of pain and probably has to go home.

Up next, Mac. "Nah, I ain't got (bleep) to say. How 'bout that."

Nibblz: "I'm a good competitor. I have the big guns. And if you want to see some real push-ups, I can show you those too." She gets down and obliges with some classic military style drop-and-give-me-tens.

Hoopz goes ahead with Nibblz. "I'm realizing now that maybe I am not the most liked," Nibblz observes in a moment of clarity.

Whiteboy, after a dramatic interlude, goes with the obvious choice, Brandi C. She's sexy and according to Whiteboy, has more mental stability. We notice he said "stability," not acuity or agility. We doubt that he's familiar with those terms.

Which means Mac, to use the show's vernacular, has to bounce.

So CJ dramatically stamps a VOID on Mac's check, and hands it to Midget Mac. "What, you still want me to take that thang? That's some bull(bleep!). I got my pride though, know what I'm sayin'? Holla! I'm still the man, though. Midget Mac. Know what I'm sayin'? I ain't even trippin! I'll just chill and think about what the (bleep) just happened." And with that, Midget Mac drunkenly stumbles off into the night. CJ sums it up by saying, "That was tough. One man down."

Then CJ hands the team captains the show's blatant product placement, a pair of T-Mobile phones, which will alert them to the details of the next challenge. The checks go into the vault, and it's nighty night, everybody!

Know what I'm sayin'?

(BLEEEP!)